Confessions · diary · Life · Struggles

04112019 Dear Diary

I haven’t written in awhile now. So just a little update, I was working in Cebu for quite some time and for almost 5 years, I am finally back in Dipolog City. The past few months, our company experienced quite a number of resignees most of which are transferring to government agencies. If i had made up my mind fast, I could’ve been one of them. Lol. But then, I think timing has got me played all right. Even though i was torn between staying and trying to apply for a government job, i initially prepared my papers for a Deped job application. I got it all ready, only that it wasn’t submitted yet. And then came a job posting from the company i am working. It is a corporate staff position and a promotion too if ever chosen. I tried applying for the job, I took the exam and interview followed 2 days later after because I was also attending a Cashier’s meeting at the time. I got quite busy, so to speak. And then during the interview, I was asked by one of the interviewers (HR manager) about why I applied for the job. And all I said was because I wanted to be assigned back home, that was my automatic response. And then she said, aside from that, “what else? Have you thought about the nature of the job? if you’d really want it?” that’s when I got hit. Because seriously I haven’t thought hard about the nature of the job. I was only thinking of coming back home. I mean, i sure know how to make minutes of a meeting because mostly that is what my work would be about, but aside from that I didn’t think much, no. So thats when I couldn’t answer quite honestly. And I was pretty much convinced I didnt get the job because after that question I was so shaken I didnt think i answered the following questions pleasantly. That’s when I also thought to not push through handing in my application to Deped just in case I get the job, I thought i might stay for awhile. And if i won’t get it, I’ll push through. That’s my plan. On the afternoon after my interview, I stayed curled up in my bed because I was on my compensatory off so i didnt have to come to work. My manager called me and informed me that I was the one chosen. My initial reaction was shocked, nervous, and happy at the same time. I was shocked because i’m pretty sure i blew it. Nervous, because i’ll be then surrounded with corporate people. And tbh, corporate people dont have the best impression to “branch people”. Normally, these two group of people don’t see eye to eye on things, thus the invisible rift is a given.

So yeah the past few days have been a roller coaster for me. I felt like there are too much changes to deal with and I get frustrated and anxious and most of the time, stressed. And i’m home and i felt like i’m struggling alone. My family is happy, my boyfriend is happy, part of me is happy I’m finally here. But my work issues (mostly adjustment) is killing me. I didnt think I would stuggle this hard. It’s been a month now since I started corporate work and I haven’t feel comfortable, not just yet. I think the reason is my main tasks have to be constantly communicating to people, mostly inquiry about big stuff. It is a huge deal to me because I usually work alone so I think I just need more time than usual. I feel like they are giving me passes because I’m new, but I wouldn’t be excused forever. I think that’s what frustrates me because everyday has become a draining activity for me.

I just….need moooore time, I guess. And I’m going to need all the support I can get because now that I think about it, maybe it is too much for me. Maybe I don’t want this job after all. The everyday travel from home to work, my downtimes and not much friends to go out with, my boyfriend’s busy schedule, and my 360-degree adjustment for this job – all these contributed to my stress. And i end up picking the wrong fights and pushing people away and I never felt so isolated than before.

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diary · journal · Latenights

My Valentine

It was an afternoon lit by a bright colored sun. It was almost 4pm but the sun is up like it has nowhere else to go besides rising and explode magnificent light into the world…

We agreed to meet. You and me.

I was excited. Anxious. Nervous.

I can make it on time, but I won’t. I don’t want to make myself seem too available for you. They said men like the chase. And that the thrill is in the pursuit not in the catch. I reminded myself of this dating mantra. I arrived 10 minutes later than our agreed time. You weren’t there. My phone beeped and it was a text from you that you are running late because you still have some few errands to do. I said “it’s fine, I can wait.” But who am I kidding? I don’t like to wait on a date. I never waited. The gentleman waits on me not the other way around. I waited anyway.

Another 10 minutes passed and still no sign of you. I got bored waiting. I don’t like waiting, never.

So I walked away from our meeting place. I went inside a nearby mall not sure what to do just to pass time. Window shopping, I guess? Oh, I got to check myself in the mirror so I went straight to ladies’ washroom. Tried talking myself out of this whole dating idea but part of me urged me to stay and wait on you.

Never have I waited this long in my entire life. The boredom is killing me. And you running super late is upsetting me but I need to stay calm.

I went back to our meeting place. A bench in the boulevard facing the setting sun. I let myself get lost in the sea of thoughts and for awhile I lost track of time. I forgot how long it was since I got here. I forgot how bored I was. I started talking to myself like I have another person in the backseat of my brain.

This is crazy. Where are you?

And the few more minutes later, I saw you from the corner of my eye when I turned back on the street because I’m both mad and nervous and you were making me wait for too long. I knew then it was you but I pretended that I didn’t see you. I couldn’t make out what you were holding then because I was careful not to stare for too long.

You’re crazy. You smiled like crazy as if you didn’t make me wait for too long, on a first date. On a first meetup. I didn’t turn again to check if it was really you crossing from the other side of the street. “You should be ashamed of yourself,” I murmured under my breath before you finally covered my eyes with your hands from the back.

I smiled.

I forgot I was upset.

Then you handed me this boquet of roses. It was a simple boquet, a cheap arrangement you probably picked up on the way. It made my heart giddy and ache in a way I didn’t understand before.

I giggled. “You didn’t have to get me anything today.”

It was a Valentines’ Day. People were walking around with heart balloons and flowers. And couples were extra sweet. Food stalls were crowded..

And you didn’t have to get me anything. But you did. You got me flowers and ice cream and my heart was filled with happiness. I forgot I was upset with the whole waiting thing. We talked a lot about everything. We laughed at our inside jokes. You told me so much about your life history. You were so talkative, I think it was your way of making it up to me. We strolled for awhile then stopped to eat duck eggs. And I never eaten duck eggs before but you smell like adventure that I didn’t mind trying something new with you. It was stupid and I didn’t even know if I’d like it or if it will hurt my stomach.

You beautiful, messy thing.

You didn’t even stutter but I see how much you wanted to make our conversations longer.

And you did.

You did get my heart on that day.

And it was never the same again some years later.

diary · journal · Struggles · thoughts · Uncategorized

Deal with it

People deal differently about their own pains, their hate, their love – about emotions. It is very tricky, you know, to try being the bigger person who understands with genuine love and patience and so much compassion especially when you have your own demons to fight. Sometimes I truly understand but most times I’m basically pissed off at literally anything.

It’s funny how my friends see me as a positive person not knowing how much I fight so hard to be as positive as I can, everyday. Sabi nga nila, people will only see the tip of the iceberg. I have bad times too. I get paranoid. I get anxious. I overthink. Sometimes i plainly just don’t care about anything. And they don’t understand that when I open up, I let them see that part of me I’m not really proud of. I let them see me weak. I’m fragile too. It hurts when no one tries to listen.

Not a lot of people knew that I only keep up because I usually bypass extreme emotions. And sometimes I’m afraid i won’t feel anymore or feel all emotions at once intensely. And the thought of my fear of not being able to handle it is so frustrating.

They think I move on fast but they have no idea how many moments I’m stucked on. Alam mo, ang hirap yung ikaw nalang ang natitirang nagpapahalaga ng mga alaala. Ang hirap to be the only one who remembers the good times and still hope nothing has changed. Ang hirap to be the only one stuck on that fraction of time and be the only one who cherishes it.

Truth be told. I suck at dealing with my own emotions. Di ko maiwasang hindi ikubli at isantabi na muna ang mga hinanakit ko sa mga tao, sa mundo. The only comfort I held on was the reality that there are still few people I can discuss my frustrations and musings with, they might not feel like it but I owe my sanity to you.

diary · journal · LDR · Struggles · thoughts · Uncategorized

Dear diary,

You know what sucks about long term relationships? Or long distance relationship? Or long term long distance relationships? People would say a “GAMBLE“. You gamble part of your life you can never take back. You gamble too many efforts, too many lifetimes, too many patience, too many understanding….the list could go on and on. And, you know what sucks about “long term long distance relationships” and ME? Wait for it…CHAOTIC. My mind is a mess. I am the human embodiment of chaos, of disaster, and of anything negative. Most of the times I’m lost and struggling to keep things from falling apart. And it’s exhausting. It’s energy-draining and mentally torturing to try to keep my shit together when everything inside me wants to explode. Sometimes I think I developed too many personalities just to keep up. Sometimes I think of throwing it all away because I’m confused and he is definitely not helping me figure things out either. It turns out he has a lot of issues going on I know nothing about and only sees me as a drama queen who is begging for too much attention and not being content to what he can offer. While this might be true in some sense, all I ever wanted was for us to talk things over. To really talk. Like we used to. It seems communication has gone stale for us. It kind of looked like we define communication way too differently now. It seems to me like we are going on opposite directions. And that is why it is always harder for me at least. I honestly do not know where I would put myself in all these. It is just for him, there is no “right time” to patch things up. I wanted to fix things, he wanted to sleep on it. In his defense, he probably has a lot on his plate too these days. But I can’t take it any longer, it is getting really heavy for me and I need somewhere to vent out.

I hate being open and vulnerable. I hate showing my weakness on someone and they end up poking it, experimenting on it, trying to break me. This part of being in love is my most hated part. How can someone take some part of you and act like they meant nothing just because they think it’s normal that you do these “things” for someone you love? How can someone invalidate your feelings just because your extra mile meant ordinary for them? How can someone slap you with judgment for being honest with how you feel and call you demanding for wanting to talk about all that has happened so far? Isn’t it just right to take a pause for while, check where we’re actually heading with this relationship stuff? It felt right for me but somehow for him, all I did was upset every bone in his body. Which totally sucks because that is not what I meant to happen. I thought bringing the issue and us talking about it so we can do compromise and come up with solutions is a great idea. But everytime I do this, he’d dodge it, call me “drama queen”, and won’t even take me seriously. Issues were never really resolved and he’d wonder why we always fight for same things over and over again. Cool. I do not have any idea how to talk some sense into him anymore. It’s like I take a leap forward but he ends up running backwards. We never meet halfway anymore. And it is sad, and heartbreaking, and I don’t know what to do.

You see, we were not always like this. And this was not supposed to be too much of a struggle because when we started dating, we both have our own issues and we managed to keep these at bay. We always have been a team on that part. He helped me sort out my emotions, helped me see things in perspective. I helped him see impacts of his actions and their consequences. We always managed to agree on some kind of platform at the end of the day so we don’t fight over those things again. And I loved him for being that, I used to think he was open-minded. Always trying to see where I’m coming from. Before we started seeing each other, I was the well composed and reserved kind of person. I appear like an open book but no one ever really saw passed that, only him. With him, I am myself, my vulnerable, fragile self. He worked that hard to break down my walls. And fast forward to today, I hate to think that I’m the only one stucked in the “dating, butterflies in my stomach mode” and he has gone to whatever he calls it mode. I hate to think that we are not on the same page anymore and I don’t know what he’s thinking and how my wanting to talk becomes so demanding on his part that he felt I’m imposing on him like I was tying him up to my liking. That is not clearly the message I wanted him to get. He thinks I’m always imposing things I like, that I hurt his feelings, without him realizing he had destroyed everything inside me too after he had broken all the walls I built so high before I let him in. It is all tragic, for me. I can not say the same for him. He is becoming a stranger to me too. 💔

diary · journal · Rants · Struggles · thoughts

08302018

Today I have this really strong urge to write because I felt like I am abruptly consumed by whatever it is I am feeling right now. I think I am going to explode if I ignored it and not face whatever this thing is. I didn’t know what actually went wrong I just felt so low today. Maybe because I woke to a bad dream? Maybe because I didn’t have a proper breakfast? Or maybe because I didn’t receive any “good morning, i love you” text? Just that I couldn’t really figure out what’s wrong. I just hated everything since I woke up. I was grumpy and quiet and not really wanting to talk to anyone which is in my place of work – impossible, so that made me more frustrated and annoyed in all imaginable sense.

I locked myself in the comfort room just staring at the mirror trying to compose myself. I think I might have stayed too long that when I got out my manager asked me what was wrong with me. I sure didn’t look like I cried or something but I take it it’s the aura that sold me off. I just faked a smile, told her I just got menstrual cramps, which is partly true, but mostly because I just wanted to run away. Take a day off and do nothing.

I texted my boyfriend when I had a chance but got nothing until I’m out of work. Lately, I’ve been trying to keep away from my phone so I don’t carelessly ring him multiple times and “harass” him when I text him. He always feels that I’m lashing out on him. And sometimes I don’t know what to do because it gets heavy, this battle royale of emotions inside, it is so consuming and destructive and it’s always him I turn to. Maybe he gets tired with all my bullshit too. It is always a war in my head. It is in episodes like these that always present me the truth that nobody got my back, and that I have to be the one that taps myself and tells myself to calm down, that everything’s going to be fine. That maybe I’m just having tantrums. Yeah? But this, sometimes makes me emotionally exhausted and I want to give up.

Just glad that I’m stubborn that I was able to still fight. Really, I get lonely too, a lot. Not everybody knows that.

Always an uphill climb 😥😭

Bisaya blogger · diary · Friendship · journal

Disconnected

Low maintenance friend, represent!!!

You all probably got a squad, a tribe, and you probably love them hard. You probably knew a group when you were in high school, hell, you probably are in one of them. But…not me.. Hmm. I don’t really have a “squad”, I pretty much hang out anywhere with whoever available when I feel like it. I have one best friend, couple few close friends, but no, I didn’t have that tribe, ya know.

Sometimes it makes me think if people do actually like me around. I mean, most people don’t really care if I’m there or not. Like, I’m not the kind of person that somebody’s willing to postpone the party bc I’m not still there. And it makes me wonder what it felt like being that kind of “important”. You know, people checking on you because they want to include you in something they’re up to. Not that you help divide the expenses but just they genuinely want you to be there.

Maybe, I’m just not that kind of friend. That’s probably why only very few understand me. I’m so complicated and I admit it’s hard to keep up. It is so easy for me to turn down an invitation but I always crave to be invited. It’s a perfect formula for asshole, I know, but that is ME being ME. I don’t intentionally shut people out. I need people to understand that sometimes I just like staying low and quiet but I’ll really appreciate it if they check on me too. It’s like not wanting to go to the party but wanting to be updated about whatever or wherever things are going.

So see. I reacted to one of my HS friend’s IG story, me missing all the barkada chika just because I choose camping in my room than actually go out. 😂 This made me think, kaya ba Lord wala akong masyadong friends dahil masyado akong papilit? Paimportante? Hahahahaha. But really, sometimes which is most of the times, ayoko lang talaga lumabas.

Ps. Dont worry friends, labas din tayo sometimes. Hahaha sorry na

Uncategorized

Wooooah!!

Hey you guys, I could not believe it has been a month since I wrote for 30 days challenge. Hahaha! You see it right there, the glaring laziness of yours, truly.

But anyways, there has been a lot of stuff going on. I was busy. So yeah, I didn’t have the time to write some entries. Guess I’ll just continue where i left off? 🙂