diary · journal · Rants · Struggles · thoughts

08302018

Today I have this really strong urge to write because I felt like I am abruptly consumed by whatever it is I am feeling right now. I think I am going to explode if I ignored it and not face whatever this thing is. I didn’t know what actually went wrong I just felt so low today. Maybe because I woke to a bad dream? Maybe because I didn’t have a proper breakfast? Or maybe because I didn’t receive any “good morning, i love you” text? Just that I couldn’t really figure out what’s wrong. I just hated everything since I woke up. I was grumpy and quiet and not really wanting to talk to anyone which is in my place of work – impossible, so that made me more frustrated and annoyed in all imaginable sense.

I locked myself in the comfort room just staring at the mirror trying to compose myself. I think I might have stayed too long that when I got out my manager asked me what was wrong with me. I sure didn’t look like I cried or something but I take it it’s the aura that sold me off. I just faked a smile, told her I just got menstrual cramps, which is partly true, but mostly because I just wanted to run away. Take a day off and do nothing.

I texted my boyfriend when I had a chance but got nothing until I’m out of work. Lately, I’ve been trying to keep away from my phone so I don’t carelessly ring him multiple times and “harass” him when I text him. He always feels that I’m lashing out on him. And sometimes I don’t know what to do because it gets heavy, this battle royale of emotions inside, it is so consuming and destructive and it’s always him I turn to. Maybe he gets tired with all my bullshit too. It is always a war in my head. It is in episodes like these that always present me the truth that nobody got my back, and that I have to be the one that taps myself and tells myself to calm down, that everything’s going to be fine. That maybe I’m just having tantrums. Yeah? But this, sometimes makes me emotionally exhausted and I want to give up.

Just glad that I’m stubborn that I was able to still fight. Really, I get lonely too, a lot. Not everybody knows that.

Always an uphill climb 😥😭

Advertisements
Bisaya blogger · diary · Friendship · journal

Disconnected

Low maintenance friend, represent!!!

You all probably got a squad, a tribe, and you probably love them hard. You probably knew a group when you were in high school, hell, you probably are in one of them. But…not me.. Hmm. I don’t really have a “squad”, I pretty much hang out anywhere with whoever available when I feel like it. I have one best friend, couple few close friends, but no, I didn’t have that tribe, ya know.

Sometimes it makes me think if people do actually like me around. I mean, most people don’t really care if I’m there or not. Like, I’m not the kind of person that somebody’s willing to postpone the party bc I’m not still there. And it makes me wonder what it felt like being that kind of “important”. You know, people checking on you because they want to include you in something they’re up to. Not that you help divide the expenses but just they genuinely want you to be there.

Maybe, I’m just not that kind of friend. That’s probably why only very few understand me. I’m so complicated and I admit it’s hard to keep up. It is so easy for me to turn down an invitation but I always crave to be invited. It’s a perfect formula for asshole, I know, but that is ME being ME. I don’t intentionally shut people out. I need people to understand that sometimes I just like staying low and quiet but I’ll really appreciate it if they check on me too. It’s like not wanting to go to the party but wanting to be updated about whatever or wherever things are going.

So see. I reacted to one of my HS friend’s IG story, me missing all the barkada chika just because I choose camping in my room than actually go out. 😂 This made me think, kaya ba Lord wala akong masyadong friends dahil masyado akong papilit? Paimportante? Hahahahaha. But really, sometimes which is most of the times, ayoko lang talaga lumabas.

Ps. Dont worry friends, labas din tayo sometimes. Hahaha sorry na

Uncategorized

Wooooah!!

Hey you guys, I could not believe it has been a month since I wrote for 30 days challenge. Hahaha! You see it right there, the glaring laziness of yours, truly.

But anyways, there has been a lot of stuff going on. I was busy. So yeah, I didn’t have the time to write some entries. Guess I’ll just continue where i left off? 🙂

diary · journal · thoughts · Writing Challenge

30-Day Writing Challenge: DAY 7

List 10 songs you’re loving right now.

  1. To be Human – Sia
  2. Naked – James Arthur
  3. Say you won’t Let go – James Arthur
  4. Jealous – Labrinth
  5. Rewrite the Stars – Zac Efron & Zendaya
  6. A Million Dreams – Greatest Showman ost
  7. Tightrope – Michelle Williams
  8. Never Enough – Loren Alred
  9. All the Small Things – Blink 182
  10. Di na Muli – Orig by Itchy worms acoustic version by Janine Tenoso
diary · journal · Life · thoughts · Writing Challenge

30-Day Writing Challenge: DAY 6

Five ways to win my heart.

(in no particular order, Lol)

  1. If you buy me food. Or if we’ve been friends, i’d really appreciate it if you noticed what food i like. (bc most people think i like everything just because i usually eat what i’m given or if what’s available. haha in other words hindi ako mahirap pakainin, but to really pay attention to foods that truly make me happy is a PLUS!)
  2. You are funny with humor and wit.
  3. You put down anything else when we hang out, example phone or games, just so you could give me full attention when i talk about something. I find it really kind to drop anything else for me, but if something important came up I will understand and won’t take that on you.
  4. If you came across something, remembers me, and let me know about it. Like i have a friend that when a movie come up which is actually based on novels, she’d beep me up to tell she remembers me and asks if i’ve read that stuff to. Hahaha it’s very thoughtful lang, makes me kilig. 😉
  5. If you can handle deep meaningful conversations both sober and drunk. Hahahaha i love deep people.
diary · journal · Life · Writing Challenge

30-DAY WRITING CHALLENGE: DAY 4

Write about someone who inspires you.

There are lots of people that inspire me but more than anyone else, this is going to be about my mom.

I grew always looking up to my parents. I think being the eldest child gives you that kind of connection to your parents. I have always wanted to like them, I am proud of the fact that we were raised well. You know, we weren’t exactly wealthy with material things. Kumbaga, I would consider us in the middle. Yung pag may kailangan kami, nabibili naman namin. If may magkasakit, may panggastos naman. I love the fact that I was taught how to manage my money. Marunong ako magtipid and I have the discipline to really set aside something for savings.

I was in my 2nd year in college when my father got stroke. After that he couldn’t work anymore. My mom has to do all the earning stuff to continue sending us to school. She’s the bravest woman I know. Sure, there are times she breaks down too but she always gets back up. She looks hard on the outside but soft on the inside. Wag lang talaga matrigger kasi amazona din talaga si mama.

My only wish for her to have a really good health. I want her to stay longer while i still figure out my life. And when i do get it all figured out, i’ll treat her with anything she like to make her happy. 🙂 She might not always hear it from me, But I love her always (even during times she is annoying and over reacting).

Love you, mama!